Sarcasm Quotes on Life for Instagram in English
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Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until they speak.
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you
they can’t laugh either.
I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Go ahead.
Silence is golden.
duct tape is silver.
I’d tell you to go to hell,
but I work there and don’t
want to see your ugly mug every day.
People say that laughter is the best medicine…
your face must be curing the world!
Violence won’t solve anything…But it sure makes me feel good.
You go girl! And don’t come back.
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
See also : Pandit Status
I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
“Don’t make me hit you again!”
“You’re going to hit me again? No, don’t do that! I might not survive!”
Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
“I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”
Jealously is a disease…get well soon!!!!
Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.
Police pulls over a speeding car ;
COP: I’ve been waiting for you all day.
DRIVER: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.
Boy: “You’re not my type.”
Girl: “Why, cause I can read??”
Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
You’d be in good shape…if you ran as much as your mouth.
I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane…
Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
Sure I’ll help you out…the same way you came in.
You: Go to Hell!
Me: See you there.
Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.
Student: Are you playing too?
Think I am sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
My friends are so much cooler than yours.
They’re invisible.
You: I’m going to be a comedian one day!
Me: *Bursts into fits of giggles*
You: Whats so funny?
Me: *gasps* oh! you were being serious, i’m sorry.
If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
You: “Why are you here?”
Me: “Well… Heaven didn’t want me,
And hells afraid I’ll take over.”
You sound better with your mouth closed.
I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.
If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever
Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle
Your just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!
You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.
Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone… I realized I can do so much without you.
Person 1: ” You did not just do that!!”
Person 2: “no? watch I’ll do it again!!”
Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty…
>Attempting to give a damn…
>Unable to give a damn…
>Stopping…
>Process failed!
[Damn not given]
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid… Then I met you.
You: Do you want a piece of my mind?!
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.
You have no one to blame but yourself…Unless some other guy is standing next to you then you can blame him.
Question: Do you know who I am????
Answer: No, Why? Have you forgotten?
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
You: OMG did you just fall.?
Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face.!
If had a dollar for evry smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
A boy is hammering nails onto the table:
Mom: What are you doing?!
The boy: Is that a trick question?
See this hand?
It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
That’s a pretty dress…too bad you couldn’t find it in your size.
You’re unique just like everyone else!
Yawn…
oh no … Keep talking … I always YAWN when I’m interested…:)
Person 1 : Watch my stuff.
Me : Why? Is it going to do a trick.
Sitting in the cinema
Person1: Oh My God! Did you just see that?
Person2: Nahh, I paid $12 just to stare at the freakin roof. “?”
I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
Find your patience before I lose mine.
Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.
My loyalty cannot be bought, however, it can be rented.
I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.
What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really…
Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
You always do me a favor, when you shut up!
*Me washing my car*
Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!
You: Do you think I am stupid.
Me: Its not your fault.
“I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”
You’re so cool.
Any cooler and you would be me.
Sarcasm (n.) – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it…!
You : My dad bought me a new mirror, the old one is broken.
Me : I can see why
Person 1: Can I ask you a question?
Person 2: You just did!
Mom: What did you learn in school today sweetheart?
Me: Obviously not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.
Sales Clerk: Sir are you going to buy that?
Person: No, I’m just shop lifting it all the way to the cash register…
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH! I smell something
My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
Oh… I didn’t tell you…. Then it must be none of your business.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
Me- “What time is it?”
You- “There’s a clock right there.”
Me- “Did I ask you where the clock was!?”
3 A. M. Phone call
– Hey are you asleep?
– No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!
Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
Hey! I had a shoes like those once, then my father got a job.
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.
We have a love and hate relationship….. He loves me, I hate him.
Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
Don’t argue with fools, cos people from a distance can’t tell which one is you.
Mom: You can’t have a coke now!
Kid: Why not?
Mom: Because it’s bad for you this early in the morning.
Kid: Well how does the coke know it’s morning?
A girl wearing pointed high- heeled shoes steps on someones feet
Girl: Sorry, did that hurt?
Someone: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia why don’t you try again.
You are about as useful as a white crayon.
Mom: *knocks on my door*
Me: What?
Mom: Are you in there?
Me: No, I went to Narnia.
WAIT…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Person 1: Are you watching TV on the couch?
Person 2: No, I’m sitting on the TV and watching the couch.
Life’s good, you should get one.
You: Did I wake you up?
Me: Nah I’m always awake at 3 am!
Person 1: You look great !
Person 2: Sorry ! I can’t say the same about you.
Person 1: Just do like me … Lie !
Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.
Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.
Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday!
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
About once a year somebody will ask me “Where is the ice?”
I reply “Check the oven”.
Cop pulls over a car:
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Driver: You thought I had donuts?
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side…I say…. Depends on where you live.
Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and the highest form of intelligence.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again.
I never repeat myself.
I ain’t sleeping. I am just looking into my eyelids.
I was stopped by a policeman and his over excited sniffer dog the other day, my dog says you are on drugs, he said…
I said, I’m not the one with a talking dog mate.
No, you don’t have to repeat yourself, … I was ignoring you the first time.
Person: Go to hell!
Me: I must already be in Hell since you’re still standing here.
Person 1: Are you sleeping?
Person 2: Oh yes, I’m always having conversations in my sleep…
There is a fine line between fashion and circus. So where’s the tent?
I’m not sarcastic, I’m brutally honest =).
Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.
Cashier: Hi can I help you?
Me: No I just stood in line for 10 minutes to say hi.
Oh… Sorry… Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
Never judge a book by its cover but always by it’s price tag.
If you want to throw your attitude I will be waiting with a baseball bat.
At times the way you choose to ignore me, I feel God is
My Brother: Since when is silence smart?
Me: Since you started talking…
So did you choose today to humiliate yourself in public?
You: Are you sleeping?
Me: I’m not sleeping, I’m just trying to suffocate this bug in my eye… It might take a while.
I love parents’ way of saying you have got a point “Don’t talk back at me!!”
Sarcasm (because punching people in the face is illegal) <3.
You: “what are you wearing to the halloween party?”
Me: ” I don’t know.”
You: “We should go as each other!”
Me: “Fine with me . . . At least I’ll win the scariest costume award.”
Why are you late? The teacher asked…
I guess its because I didn’t make it in time…replied the student
Person 1: You are so cool!
Person 2: Thank you! You’re not so hot yourself.
You can’t face the problem if the problem is your face.
I don’t hate you. Its just my attitude has problems with your personality.
The movie was awesome!! My favorite part was when it ended.
You’re right, violence is not the solution; it’s just part of the equation.
Bro: Did you see my pen?
Me: No, do you wanna see mine?
After being cut off mid sentence:
I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
‘A’ is reading a book, ‘B’ says …
B: “Are you reading?”
A: “No, I’m staring at the book hoping that lasers will come out of my eyes and burn the book.”
You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.
This is my cup of care… _/ … Oh! Would you look at that, it’s empty!
I’m sorry I was talking, while you were interrupting me.
Should I bring ladder so you can step out of my business?
I feel like we’re apart when we’re in the same room! But If you keep talking, you’ll ruin the illusion.
No, I’m not ignoring you…I just lost interest in what you were about to say.
Text: You awake???
Reply: No didn’t you know I text in my sleep
Text back: Oh…text me when you’re awake…
5 minutes later…
Text: Are you awake yet?
Time flies when I’m with you… Well, it’s because I zone out mostly.
Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone.
There is a strong need for a sarcasm font.
I became so religious so that I could pray for you to burn in hell.
Girlfriend: Will you come over?
Boyfriend: I'm asleep.
Girlfriend: ok come over when you wake up. 3 days later...
Girlfriend: Are you coming over?
A big benefit of being sarcastic is you can be openly mean and people still think you are being funny😜😂
With great ugliness comes great sense of humour😜😂
Saying “just kidding" after insulting someone is the best way to handle it😉😜
*girl falls, boy walks over*
boy: did you just fall?
girl: no, Mondays are usually my turn to hug the floor.
The Worst Thing About Falling For Someone Is Thinking They Will Catch You In Their Arms But Instead They Watch You Fall And Hit The Ground… Broken.
Person:are you washing the dishes?
Me:No"I'm trying to see if they can drown
It's always funny until
someone gets hurt. Then it's
just hilarious.
Every guy will tell you how beautiful you are.
I'm here to tell you its a lie 😂
Relationship status:-
Crush tags me in “ tag that friend who will die single"😐
Broken Hearts Hurt More Than Broken Bones.
The Best Relationship Usually Begins Unexpectedly.
Be What You Want To Be Not What Others Want To See.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed
If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor
I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words
I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything
Find your patience before I lose mine
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence
Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face
Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege
People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world
If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin
Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues
Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste
Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments
I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding
Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
Life’s good, you should get one
No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time
Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…
Me pretending to listen should be enough for you
If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.
Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever
Zombies eat brains. You’re safe
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